Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Bad Atheist

A bad atheist

I’m a bad atheist. I’ve been told this often. I believe there is no god. That is, to say that I don’t believe in god is less accurate than to say I believe there is no god. My brain doesn’t seem to work in negatives. I hold the belief that god is imaginary; I don’t lack a belief that god is real. Am I making sense here? I think in affirmatives, not negatives. This makes me a bad atheist.
Now, people will sometimes tell me that this is dogmatic, or that I must have faith to hold this position, or that this makes atheism a religion. I think all of these are wrong. I believe that unicorns are imaginary. No one seems to think this is dogmatic. I believe that the tooth fairy is a legend. This requires no faith. I believe ghosts do not exist. This does not it a religion.
I’ve been told this is unreasonable; that to hold this belief I must be god, or at least all-knowing. I find this ridiculous. I believe there are no such things as chimeras. There is no need for me to be all-knowing to realize the possibility of a chimera actually existing is so incredibly small, it is negligible. So I neglect it.

Since I make this an affirmative statement, I’ve been tempted to call it “the atheist’s gospel”. Mostly because I think it is “good news” that god does not exist. Perhaps there is too close a parallel drawn here for some atheists. But while the believer’s “good news” of jesus comes with the “bad news” of sin, the atheist’s “good news” of no gods comes with the “bad news” of personal responsibility. With no god to tell us what to do with our lives, and no absolute moral standards, we must use our admittedly faulty faculties to find our own path. We must define, and re-define, our morals, our standards, and our lives. We have no deity to guide us. But there is more good news: we have each other. No one said we have to do it alone. God isn’t here; we are.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

How to Take Over the World

How to Take Over the World

This blog was not written by Andrew the Atheist. He typed it, yes, but I, Mango the Magnificent, am the true author. The god of the bible showed me how to do this author-by-proxy thing, so you know it’s authentic.

I’d like to tell you how to take over the world. You’ll want to take notes, so go get a pen and paper. I’ll wait.

The first thing is to establish your authority as the only authority. Any other authority must submit to yours, or you will have a problem. The best way to do this is to claim you are the end-all-be-all of everything. You have to be a god. No, not just ANY god, you have to be THE god. And you cannot allow anything to compete with you. Tell your new followers, “I am the lord your god, you shall have no other gods but me.” Write that down.

This competition thing is important. If the people have a choice between feeding their families and following your will, they need to choose you. You need to block out anything that could even look like something that could be as important as you. Tell your subjects, “Thou shall have no graven images.” The fools will probably think we’re talking about porn.

Now you need to get respect. Having authority is great, but you must have the respect of the sheep, I mean, people as well. Tell them they can only use your name when it means something. Tell them you will know if they do not. This will reinforce your status as a god, and place weight on crap that has your name attached to it. State it as follows, “Thou shalt not take the name of your lord in vain.”

We can’t just tell people to respect us an expect it to happen. We are going to need people who are going to enforce this crap. The older generation will soon die, but before they do they can serve a great purpose: indoctrinate the young. This will make ruling the future generations easier and easier. We give the elderly some authority and power. They use and abuse it. When the younger generation grows up, they will see their opportunity to become the abusers and grab hold of the chance. Tell the congregation, “Honor thy father and mother.”

But what authority and power are we to give the elderly? The authority to punish those who break our laws. This will be reserved to those we hold close to us. Let’s call them “clergy.” These shall be the people we allow to order the punishment of those who do not accept our way as the only way. Issue this proclamation, “Thou shall not kill.”

We really need to begin to focus on destroying individuality now. We need to start to look to controlling thoughts, behavior and attitudes. This will reinforce our authority and prevent revolt. Yes, I know the peasants are revolting, but as long as they obey us, we shall let them live. We begin with the basic desire to love and procreate. We must take hold of this and not let go. People are allowed to love who we say, fuck who we say, in the manner we say, and in no other way. Tell them, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

Now, this alone will not quell all rebellions. We must give ourselves a way of utterly destroying all that challenges us. We, of course, could never break our own rules. So we must establish that all who do are also liars and thieves. This will reduce them to common criminals and we can deal with them as such. Proclaim, “Thou shall not steal”, and “Thou shalt not lie.”
Come to think of it, we might want to stomp on our flocks’ genitalia again. That’s just so much fun, I can’t resist! Further control their minds. Further control their desires. Tell them they cannot have desires. Fuck with them and say, “Thou shalt not covet.”

There you have it. Ten easy steps to begin your conquest of the world. You know, presentation is everything. You could carve these into stone and then say, “Look!! These are timeless! They are carved in stone!” See how easy this is going to be?

What? Hang on……..
The dork who wrote the bible is telling me I’ve stolen his ideas. Like he ever had an original thought! Don’t listen to that wimp. I’m the one holding the lighting bolts now.